If there’s a problem, I tend to want to do whatever it takes to try and overcome it. She prefers to stick to one way and go through it slowly. I think I could respect that if not for the simple fact that this is a problem that has been ongoing for well over a year and maybe why I feel so disconnected.
It has caused me be lack confidence in myself, in her, in us. It is not a simple problem to overcome, and I am afraid of it.
I am afraid of what it can do and sometimes I really feel like just throwing in the towel and giving up. It is just one reason why I have been feeling crap lately and unfortunately, it is a big one and one of the few that I have the slightest control over. Not much but slight.
And it just breaks me that there seems to be nothing I can do.
I spent today on my own. It felt nice, doing things on my own time, doing my own things.
I am reminded of how people say that you should live each day like it’s your last, but also recall someone who said that you should live each day like you had an infinite amount of days following.
Because then, you would be doing what you thinking is important, not what others think. Living for yourself.
It’s nice to have this solitude to re vitalist myself and I shudder to think what happens when everyone encroaches in on me… again…
So we just had an appreciation service in church to end of 2013. Honestly, 2013 felt like such a horrible year and I’m just waiting for the end of the festivities in early 2014 to end so that I can move on.
There was a time for everyone to write little notes of appreciation to each other. I couldn’t write anything. I didn’t feel up to it. On top of that, I believe I was suffering from an anxiety attack then. Heart palpitations and all. I just wanted to hang back and fade away.
I just read the notes that people wrote on my sheet. So many of it was for serving on the worship team. If only people knew how sometimes I feel obligated to serve. I feel like I need a break, but I can’t take one because there’s no one else left to do stuff.
I’m like that too much I guess. I go out of my way to do things. Sometimes I wonder if this is what causes me to feel dry. That I do so much for other people that I burn out.
Selfish seems like such a negative word. But I feel I need to be self–ish. I have lost all sense of it really. And though I seem to have strands of it coming back, it’s still not enough for now.
So I tried to initiate some couple time today. But she seemed distracted as she usually gets. Just noticing my pores, skin, pimples etc. talk about a mood killer. This happened twice.
Maybe that’s why most couples have their alone time at night.
Frustrated, I just stop. Is it too much for me to expect some quality time? Is it too much for me to always initiate? She said she initiated earlier but I don’t see how, even after she explained.
Tried talking to her about our communication issues but that doesn’t go well, as usual. I was getting frustrated again so I went to take a nap. And woke up to her still pissed at me.
Somehow I feel like we are on two different wavelengths now.
