All posts by elijah

Solo Spiral

I’m back after an eternity. I’ve been teetering on the brink and I know that I am falling again. The world is in a sorry state and possibly just recovering, but I fear that I have been enduring more than I can bear. the past month or so, I’ve been feeling lonely again, I’m again reminded of how I am no where near the accomplishments that my peers have achieved.

I’m now a middle-aged divorcee that has not achieved any measure of success in career, relationships, or most anything that matters. I have no idea idea how to move forward anymore.

Over the past 3 years I had been working on a few happiness projects. Small little steps for me to be happy:-

  • Marriage
    • Finally am free from this. While not an annulment as it could have been, I’m just thankful that I no longer have to suffer. It was expensive, but necessary.
  • Studies
    • Started and completed a degree in Mass Communications (with 2nd class upper)
  • Health
  • Building a New Home
  • Moving on in Career
  • Relationships

The latter points would be best elaborated on in future updates.

The starting point of all this, is that she got married. I knew that I needed to move on and I finally told her that I had been carrying a torch for her for ages. Of course, she knew. What I didn’t expect was her subsequent reaction.

Fast forward to my 40th birthday, which was very muted. I ended up doing nothing special all alone. And that’s when my spiral started.

I am all alone. What little accomplishments I had, I had no one to share with.

Lost

I had the horrible dream that she is leaving. That she is conflicted to stay or go. Wearing her white shirt and her hair tied into a pony tail, I really wish she would stay. She is engaged and I know I cannot be a reason for her to stay but I wish I could be.

Unwanted


你要的不是我

怎麼能忘 時間多長
你快樂嗎 想代替你回答
你知道嗎 走了好遠
我才能去面對
這份牽掛 沉默傷悲
你要的不是我
心碎的失去輪廓
曾經給你的感動
只是情緒的波動
能給的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩飾不了我的笨拙
就連說話都會顫抖
我被遺忘在 你遺忘的角落

怎麼能忘 時間多長
你快樂嗎 想代替你回答
你知道嗎 走了好遠
我才能去面對
這份牽掛 沉默傷悲
你要的不是我
心碎的失去輪廓
曾經給你的感動
只是情緒的波動
能給的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩飾不了我的笨拙
就連說話都會顫抖
我被遺忘在 你遺忘的角落
你要的不是我
心碎的失去輪廓
曾經給你的感動
只是情緒的波動
能給的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩飾不了我的笨拙
就連說話都會顫抖
我被遺忘在 你遺忘的角落
我被遺忘在 你遺忘的角落