All posts by elijah

Emotions, Rants

Fear

ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness.

I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want in order to be to be happy. It’s probably because I’m a dreamer. I dream of all the far out and least likely things that can make me happy. And yet I know why, I treasure other relationships more than the one with my wife and those relationships seem so easy to maintain by comparison. It almost feels like I need to work so much harder in my primary relationship to get it to the same level as my secondary relationships.

In my experience, it seems that I am frequently disappointed with the things that I do and it does seem that because of all the effort that I have to put in, I feel like I will be disappointed with anything short of a miracle.

It probably does get easier as time goes by, but I feel that after so many years, whatever I have done doesn’t seem to have paid off and perhaps actually made matters worse through my actions and inactions. Somehow, I have the idea of cutting my losses and leaving.

There are many things that would probably make me happy.

  • A better, more intimate relationship with my wife.
  • Fulfilling my dream, despite how unlikely and twisted it is.
  • A fresh start in everything.

The dream one is probably never going to happen and I need to do something to kill that. The fresh start seems to be the easiest to do but is a cowardly way out. Working things out with my wife is the hardest to do, and I am scared that I won’t be as happy as I want to be, or that I would put in so much effort and yet but disappointed again.

It seems like no matter what I think I end up deadlocking my mind. The lack of mood to want to change the situation doesn’t help. I know I need to do something but I just feel like not wanting to do it. Like it strains me. Maybe I need to be alone for a week. Maybe I just need to rest. ML is right. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. That could be affecting my mood too much and making me fear taking any path.

Emotions

Observer

We have kind of agreed to see a marriage counsellor. I have mixed feelings because it is letting people into our lives and that when I expose my deepest, darkest secrets I will get judged.

I feel so disgusted with myself for the things that I can think of and do and while I know it is not on the real bad side of it, I wonder how people think and that tears me up. I just can’t handle that.

To have observers that silently judge.

Emotions

Lousy

I woke up unexpectedly at 5.30am. It is horrible to know that sleep is important to you but be deprived of it.  I tried to make breakfast but it turned out horrible. It is one of those days where everything just seems to feel so ‘blah’.

Even talking to ML seemed to be tiring and it usually isn’t.

I am seeing the counsellor again soon. The relaxation techniques that he taught was somewhat beneficial but it doesn’t seem to help the lousy moods. Perhaps it is time that I started taking meds for this.

Emotions

Inconsistency

I never know what each day would bring. I can not find excitement or joy in events or things. Sometimes I wake up and it’s a good day, and sometimes I just wish the day never happened.

“You deserve to feel good about yourself.”

That was what ML messaged me once. Sometimes, I wonder if that is true. I feel that I have no sense of self-confidence now. I am paranoid of things going on around me. I even feel bad for talking to ML about my crap.
(ML: If you are reading this, I am really sorry for all the times I bug you and for the stupid times I message you.)

It is incapacitating to be in this situation where I am easily agitated, have no mood or interest to do anything, no confidence in the things that I do. I feel forsaken at times. and don’t want to talk about anything to do with God.

I hate the way I am so inconsistent and feel so helpless. I feel almost dependent on ML at times.

Emotions, Rants

Monster

After a long talk with ML, I have come to the realisation that we always argue and try to form solutions without properly understanding the problem. ML suggested taking her through each step of what happened so that she knows what pushed me off the edge. After all that I had no idea when I could ever use that information because to bring it up again is suicidal.

And then she got upset with me for something. It was a trivial thing like how it usually starts. But then all unresolved issues will pop up again.

I did as ML suggested, taking her through each stage of my anger trail. And to be fair, I had to let her do the same with me.

I have heard it before but for some reason, it stung this time. I was a monster. I lose my temper at her in public and she lives in fear of that. She fears making any little slip up that would result in me turning into a brute and unleashing my fury on her.

I almost wanted to leave her there and then to spare her the anguish. But I had to at least try to salvage what I can.

Long story short, we need to try to be more patient with each other.

I still live in fear of what I am. Is it fair to her?