Emotions, Rants

Fear

ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness.

I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want in order to be to be happy. It’s probably because I’m a dreamer. I dream of all the far out and least likely things that can make me happy. And yet I know why, I treasure other relationships more than the one with my wife and those relationships seem so easy to maintain by comparison. It almost feels like I need to work so much harder in my primary relationship to get it to the same level as my secondary relationships.

In my experience, it seems that I am frequently disappointed with the things that I do and it does seem that because of all the effort that I have to put in, I feel like I will be disappointed with anything short of a miracle.

It probably does get easier as time goes by, but I feel that after so many years, whatever I have done doesn’t seem to have paid off and perhaps actually made matters worse through my actions and inactions. Somehow, I have the idea of cutting my losses and leaving.

There are many things that would probably make me happy.

  • A better, more intimate relationship with my wife.
  • Fulfilling my dream, despite how unlikely and twisted it is.
  • A fresh start in everything.

The dream one is probably never going to happen and I need to do something to kill that. The fresh start seems to be the easiest to do but is a cowardly way out. Working things out with my wife is the hardest to do, and I am scared that I won’t be as happy as I want to be, or that I would put in so much effort and yet but disappointed again.

It seems like no matter what I think I end up deadlocking my mind. The lack of mood to want to change the situation doesn’t help. I know I need to do something but I just feel like not wanting to do it. Like it strains me. Maybe I need to be alone for a week. Maybe I just need to rest. ML is right. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. That could be affecting my mood too much and making me fear taking any path.