Category Archives: Rants

Emotions, Rants

Choices

Was talking with ML about choices. About how I feared having made the wrong choice and having it bite me in the ass.

I have to make the best out of whatever situation I am in. There are logical choices which when one thinks about it is a no-brainer. But perhaps emotions and frustrations cloud a person’s judgement and that’s why people make wrong decisions.

Is the logical choice always the right one? I really don’t know. I suppose given the right circumstance, the “wrong” choice may be the right one in the long term?

Emotions, General, Rants

Masks

2013 was the worst year that I can recall. If you can’t think of a reason why, then you obviously don’t know me at all. Go away.

Every single aspect of my life went wrong, and I can hardly do anything about it.

The result of which is me going into depression. Thankfully, not as bad as some people that I know, but enough to make me really consider just disappearing.

I know that there will always be problems and issues no matter where you are. Sometimes I just feel that regardless of what I swap for, I would get a better hand.

Over the past few weeks, I have culled down the list of “friends” I have on Facebook. I tell people it’s because I’m sick of the quantifying friendships thing. But I think that maybe I am eliminating people from my life.

I am so sick and tired of putting up a front; of wearing a mask. People call me by things that they think I am and, stupid me, I actually try to live to those expectations. I am sick of being the guy people can rely on. I am sick of filling in the gaps that no one else does. I have lost track of who I am and the person I see in the mirror is not a pretty sight. I am not a rock that’s sturdy. I’m sinking sand right now.

Right now, there’s nothing that I am in full control of in my life. I have no semblance of control at all.

I think I have day dreams of what I would do given a choice of no repercussions. It makes me feel good. Though the sad fact of reality is that we live with repercussions.

ML once said that they wouldn’t be surprised by what difficulties or problems I go through. The problem is that if I reveal some of my dark thoughts, it may not surprise but color their opinions and I may paint myself into a corner where I am really and completely alone.

Emotions, Rants

Barrier

If there’s a problem, I tend to want to do whatever it takes to try and overcome it. She prefers to stick to one way and go through it slowly. I think I could respect that if not for the simple fact that this is a problem that has been ongoing for well over a year and maybe why I feel so disconnected.

It has caused me be lack confidence in myself, in her, in us. It is not a simple problem to overcome, and I am afraid of it.

I am afraid of what it can do and sometimes I really feel like just throwing in the towel and giving up. It is just one reason why I have been feeling crap lately and unfortunately, it is a big one and one of the few that I have the slightest control over. Not much but slight.

And it just breaks me that there seems to be nothing I can do.

Emotions, God, Rants

Appreciation

So we just had an appreciation service in church to end of 2013. Honestly, 2013 felt like such a horrible year and I’m just waiting for the end of the festivities in early 2014 to end so that I can move on.

There was a time for everyone to write little notes of appreciation to each other. I couldn’t write anything. I didn’t feel up to it. On top of that, I believe I was suffering from an anxiety attack then. Heart palpitations and all. I just wanted to hang back and fade away.

I just read the notes that people wrote on my sheet. So many of it was for serving on the worship team. If only people knew how sometimes I feel obligated to serve. I feel like I need a break, but I can’t take one because there’s no one else left to do stuff.

I’m like that too much I guess. I go out of my way to do things. Sometimes I wonder if this is what causes me to feel dry. That I do so much for other people that I burn out.

Selfish seems like such a negative word. But I feel I need to be self–ish. I have lost all sense of it really. And though I seem to have strands of it coming back, it’s still not enough for now.

Emotions, General, Rants

Wavelength

So I tried to initiate some couple time today. But she seemed distracted as she usually gets. Just noticing my pores, skin, pimples etc. talk about a mood killer. This happened twice.

Maybe that’s why most couples have their alone time at night.

Frustrated, I just stop. Is it too much for me to expect some quality time? Is it too much for me to always initiate? She said she initiated earlier but I don’t see how, even after she explained.

Tried talking to her about our communication issues but that doesn’t go well, as usual. I was getting frustrated again so I went to take a nap. And woke up to her still pissed at me.

Somehow I feel like we are on two different wavelengths now.