Category Archives: Emotions

Emotions

Lousy

I woke up unexpectedly at 5.30am. It is horrible to know that sleep is important to you but be deprived of it.  I tried to make breakfast but it turned out horrible. It is one of those days where everything just seems to feel so ‘blah’.

Even talking to ML seemed to be tiring and it usually isn’t.

I am seeing the counsellor again soon. The relaxation techniques that he taught was somewhat beneficial but it doesn’t seem to help the lousy moods. Perhaps it is time that I started taking meds for this.

Emotions

Inconsistency

I never know what each day would bring. I can not find excitement or joy in events or things. Sometimes I wake up and it’s a good day, and sometimes I just wish the day never happened.

“You deserve to feel good about yourself.”

That was what ML messaged me once. Sometimes, I wonder if that is true. I feel that I have no sense of self-confidence now. I am paranoid of things going on around me. I even feel bad for talking to ML about my crap.
(ML: If you are reading this, I am really sorry for all the times I bug you and for the stupid times I message you.)

It is incapacitating to be in this situation where I am easily agitated, have no mood or interest to do anything, no confidence in the things that I do. I feel forsaken at times. and don’t want to talk about anything to do with God.

I hate the way I am so inconsistent and feel so helpless. I feel almost dependent on ML at times.

Emotions, Rants

Monster

After a long talk with ML, I have come to the realisation that we always argue and try to form solutions without properly understanding the problem. ML suggested taking her through each step of what happened so that she knows what pushed me off the edge. After all that I had no idea when I could ever use that information because to bring it up again is suicidal.

And then she got upset with me for something. It was a trivial thing like how it usually starts. But then all unresolved issues will pop up again.

I did as ML suggested, taking her through each stage of my anger trail. And to be fair, I had to let her do the same with me.

I have heard it before but for some reason, it stung this time. I was a monster. I lose my temper at her in public and she lives in fear of that. She fears making any little slip up that would result in me turning into a brute and unleashing my fury on her.

I almost wanted to leave her there and then to spare her the anguish. But I had to at least try to salvage what I can.

Long story short, we need to try to be more patient with each other.

I still live in fear of what I am. Is it fair to her?

Emotions

Hug

It’s amazing what a hug can do. I wanted us to try to be more intimate tonight but when she hugged I almost broke down. (Later when she hugged me again, I actually did cry.)

ML said that hugs help develop oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Perhaps I felt so alone through all that has been going on that, sometimes I just need a hug.

A hug lets you know you are not alone. It tells you that someone is willing to hold you close despite what you feel and what you fear.

A hug is just a simple gesture that costs so little but can mean so much. It conveys security, comfort, and love.

Emotions, Rants

Retreat

After the events of the past few days, I have just been feeling lousy. I basically refuse to do anything today, and of course that straight away gets thrown out the window because of family.

All I want is space and everyone seems to want to encroach on it.

I need to do things but I don’t know what. How can I get my life back in order? I feel the need to do things but I have no motivation to do things. It sounds stupid but it’s a problem I face everyday now.