Today felt great. Although I woke up early, I managed to go back to sleep a little longer.
I felt good about our marriage for the first time in a long while and I think it might have to do with me just talking about my frustrations the night before. With no arguments in the mix, it probably helped us be more objective about what I’m going through.
I actually felt like I almost smiled today and I mean a genuine smile.
Am I blowing up too much about things when maybe I shouldn’t be as angry? ML seems to think so. ML also said I am being selfish by letting her do things on her own, and trying to get some space. Is it really selfish If I also want the space to cool off?
I don’t want to think that my current situation makes me more irritable. It could well be that. More likely, it could be years of just not addressing the same issue that adds more dynamite to a shortening fuse.
Maybe I’m not suited for a relationship. It’s almost as though I prefer being alone most of the time. Although, when I’m alone I dream more. ML said that while they feel nothing when their significant other is around, when they meet, ML is happy. I think that there’s something missing there. I think that when the significant other is not around, there should at least be a longing to be with them and eagerness to be with them. For me now , it’s as though I dread being with her, that I would rather focus on some trivial matters at work than rush to be with her.
After a nights’ sleep, I woke up this morning and decided to try something with the wife. I hope it helped but there was something weird that happened which I don’t know to be concerned about.
Either way, here’s hoping that issues can be ironed out.
ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness.
I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want in order to be to be happy. It’s probably because I’m a dreamer. I dream of all the far out and least likely things that can make me happy. And yet I know why, I treasure other relationships more than the one with my wife and those relationships seem so easy to maintain by comparison. It almost feels like I need to work so much harder in my primary relationship to get it to the same level as my secondary relationships.
In my experience, it seems that I am frequently disappointed with the things that I do and it does seem that because of all the effort that I have to put in, I feel like I will be disappointed with anything short of a miracle.
It probably does get easier as time goes by, but I feel that after so many years, whatever I have done doesn’t seem to have paid off and perhaps actually made matters worse through my actions and inactions. Somehow, I have the idea of cutting my losses and leaving.
There are many things that would probably make me happy.
The dream one is probably never going to happen and I need to do something to kill that. The fresh start seems to be the easiest to do but is a cowardly way out. Working things out with my wife is the hardest to do, and I am scared that I won’t be as happy as I want to be, or that I would put in so much effort and yet but disappointed again.
It seems like no matter what I think I end up deadlocking my mind. The lack of mood to want to change the situation doesn’t help. I know I need to do something but I just feel like not wanting to do it. Like it strains me. Maybe I need to be alone for a week. Maybe I just need to rest. ML is right. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. That could be affecting my mood too much and making me fear taking any path.
We have kind of agreed to see a marriage counsellor. I have mixed feelings because it is letting people into our lives and that when I expose my deepest, darkest secrets I will get judged.
I feel so disgusted with myself for the things that I can think of and do and while I know it is not on the real bad side of it, I wonder how people think and that tears me up. I just can’t handle that.
To have observers that silently judge.
