She just dozed off. I really wanted to know why she flared up at me. Wanted her to know. But while waiting for a response, she dozed off…
ML said to let it go, to write it off. But I don’t know. I run the risk of things repeating. Especially, after I feel that my efforts are wasted. She says it’s not wasted and that she didn’t feel accused. It makes it worse to think that she could say something so hurtful and go back on it. As far as my feelings go, they have been hurt. It’s not easy for me to come back from that.
I don’t know how it happened. I was tired and suddenly we were fighting again. All the breakthrough that I thought we had, was apparently nothing.
She kept thinking that I was still accusing her of stuff when I was telling her how I felt and that I might be wrong. She wants us both to take the blame but the last time we argued, I said exactly that and I wanted her to tell me how she felt. All she said was that she was sorry and didn’t say much about it.
So now, apparently, I was accusing her and forcing her to take the blame. She lost her temper and started yelling at me in Chinese. Blindsided again.
It feels like everything that I have worked for during the past couple of weeks was flushed down the toilet.
ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness.
I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want in order to be to be happy. It’s probably because I’m a dreamer. I dream of all the far out and least likely things that can make me happy. And yet I know why, I treasure other relationships more than the one with my wife and those relationships seem so easy to maintain by comparison. It almost feels like I need to work so much harder in my primary relationship to get it to the same level as my secondary relationships.
In my experience, it seems that I am frequently disappointed with the things that I do and it does seem that because of all the effort that I have to put in, I feel like I will be disappointed with anything short of a miracle.
It probably does get easier as time goes by, but I feel that after so many years, whatever I have done doesn’t seem to have paid off and perhaps actually made matters worse through my actions and inactions. Somehow, I have the idea of cutting my losses and leaving.
There are many things that would probably make me happy.
- A better, more intimate relationship with my wife.
- Fulfilling my dream, despite how unlikely and twisted it is.
- A fresh start in everything.
The dream one is probably never going to happen and I need to do something to kill that. The fresh start seems to be the easiest to do but is a cowardly way out. Working things out with my wife is the hardest to do, and I am scared that I won’t be as happy as I want to be, or that I would put in so much effort and yet but disappointed again.
It seems like no matter what I think I end up deadlocking my mind. The lack of mood to want to change the situation doesn’t help. I know I need to do something but I just feel like not wanting to do it. Like it strains me. Maybe I need to be alone for a week. Maybe I just need to rest. ML is right. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. That could be affecting my mood too much and making me fear taking any path.
After a long talk with ML, I have come to the realisation that we always argue and try to form solutions without properly understanding the problem. ML suggested taking her through each step of what happened so that she knows what pushed me off the edge. After all that I had no idea when I could ever use that information because to bring it up again is suicidal.
And then she got upset with me for something. It was a trivial thing like how it usually starts. But then all unresolved issues will pop up again.
I did as ML suggested, taking her through each stage of my anger trail. And to be fair, I had to let her do the same with me.
I have heard it before but for some reason, it stung this time. I was a monster. I lose my temper at her in public and she lives in fear of that. She fears making any little slip up that would result in me turning into a brute and unleashing my fury on her.
I almost wanted to leave her there and then to spare her the anguish. But I had to at least try to salvage what I can.
Long story short, we need to try to be more patient with each other.
I still live in fear of what I am. Is it fair to her?
After the events of the past few days, I have just been feeling lousy. I basically refuse to do anything today, and of course that straight away gets thrown out the window because of family.
All I want is space and everyone seems to want to encroach on it.
I need to do things but I don’t know what. How can I get my life back in order? I feel the need to do things but I have no motivation to do things. It sounds stupid but it’s a problem I face everyday now.