She just dozed off. I really wanted to know why she flared up at me. Wanted her to know. But while waiting for a response, she dozed off…
ML said to let it go, to write it off. But I don’t know. I run the risk of things repeating. Especially, after I feel that my efforts are wasted. She says it’s not wasted and that she didn’t feel accused. It makes it worse to think that she could say something so hurtful and go back on it. As far as my feelings go, they have been hurt. It’s not easy for me to come back from that.
I have told people to come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “must not haves” to narrow down their future partner. If the person doesn’t check of on everything, then don’t even consider it.
I just found my old list. And realised that not all of them are checked off. Perhaps in my desperation, I actually thought she checked off on all counts. Perhaps as time went by things changed.
I guess I know my duty is to stick it out. I’ve made the commitment and I have to live with it. But I feel right now that it is so hard to pull through, assuming that we can pull through. I almost wish I could call the whole thing off and disappear.
I don’t know how it happened. I was tired and suddenly we were fighting again. All the breakthrough that I thought we had, was apparently nothing.
She kept thinking that I was still accusing her of stuff when I was telling her how I felt and that I might be wrong. She wants us both to take the blame but the last time we argued, I said exactly that and I wanted her to tell me how she felt. All she said was that she was sorry and didn’t say much about it.
So now, apparently, I was accusing her and forcing her to take the blame. She lost her temper and started yelling at me in Chinese. Blindsided again.
It feels like everything that I have worked for during the past couple of weeks was flushed down the toilet.