All posts by elijah
Revived
Today felt great. Although I woke up early, I managed to go back to sleep a little longer.
I felt good about our marriage for the first time in a long while and I think it might have to do with me just talking about my frustrations the night before. With no arguments in the mix, it probably helped us be more objective about what I’m going through.
I actually felt like I almost smiled today and I mean a genuine smile.
Proportion
Am I blowing up too much about things when maybe I shouldn’t be as angry? ML seems to think so. ML also said I am being selfish by letting her do things on her own, and trying to get some space. Is it really selfish If I also want the space to cool off?
I don’t want to think that my current situation makes me more irritable. It could well be that. More likely, it could be years of just not addressing the same issue that adds more dynamite to a shortening fuse.
Maybe I’m not suited for a relationship. It’s almost as though I prefer being alone most of the time. Although, when I’m alone I dream more. ML said that while they feel nothing when their significant other is around, when they meet, ML is happy. I think that there’s something missing there. I think that when the significant other is not around, there should at least be a longing to be with them and eagerness to be with them. For me now , it’s as though I dread being with her, that I would rather focus on some trivial matters at work than rush to be with her.
Reset
I almost lost my cool a few times this evening.
At the end of it I almost blew up and, short of actually saying it, was mouthing out profanities at her. I started to get another anxiety attack.
As I drove us home, I was trying to relax and realized I was repeating myself when I spoke. It was only near the house that I was able to calm down and want to talk it out with her objectively. She wasn’t ready for it but I told her why I wanted to do it and she eventually agreed to.
I asked her to tell me if I did anything wrong. She said nothing. And for the first time that I can remember accepted responsibility for mistakes she made that whittled away at my psyche.
The summary of it was that I couldn’t trust her. Years of her telling me one thing and doing another meant that I don’t just prepare for failure but expect it. I want to work it out and told her that these talks are going to happen more often now and if she can’t handle it or wants out, to let me know.
I also told her why so often I feel like disappearing. It is because while I know it’s not the best solution; it’s not even a full solution, I have little to no reason to stay. As my wife, she should be a strong factor towards why I should stay but at this point it is not.
I suppose I should delight in the little victories, but I still feel the urge to disappear; still feel the urge to pursue a hollow dream but thankfully less now.
Morning
After a nights’ sleep, I woke up this morning and decided to try something with the wife. I hope it helped but there was something weird that happened which I don’t know to be concerned about.
Either way, here’s hoping that issues can be ironed out.