All posts by elijah

Emotions

Hug

It’s amazing what a hug can do. I wanted us to try to be more intimate tonight but when she hugged I almost broke down. (Later when she hugged me again, I actually did cry.)

ML said that hugs help develop oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Perhaps I felt so alone through all that has been going on that, sometimes I just need a hug.

A hug lets you know you are not alone. It tells you that someone is willing to hold you close despite what you feel and what you fear.

A hug is just a simple gesture that costs so little but can mean so much. It conveys security, comfort, and love.

Emotions, Rants

Retreat

After the events of the past few days, I have just been feeling lousy. I basically refuse to do anything today, and of course that straight away gets thrown out the window because of family.

All I want is space and everyone seems to want to encroach on it.

I need to do things but I don’t know what. How can I get my life back in order? I feel the need to do things but I have no motivation to do things. It sounds stupid but it’s a problem I face everyday now.

Emotions, Rants

Sleepless

I woke up at 2am and am alone. It has been almost three hours since and I can’t get back to sleep.

Unfortunately, I woke ML when I messaged and said that she wasn’t home. I am in a house alone with no one. I am in no condition to be anything but a burden to anyone.

The other day I stood on the edge of a rooftop and considered what it would be like to just disappear. Not suicidal thoughts. Just thoughts about running away. Sometimes I wish the last 3 years never happened.

I can only think of one thing that made me happy during those years and the sad realisation that it is useless and wrong comes up.

I don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe that’s wrong. I want to be happy. Is that wrong? I seem to always want to make everyone else happy. What about me?

ML kept reminding me all night not to do something stupid. What if I already have? Would I have done things differently?

I need to escape.

This used to be my loft – a place to relax. Now it is my refuge. A place I turn to because I have nowhere else to go. Where my innermost thoughts can roam free, unleashed and unburdened. But like any refuge, coming back out of it doesn’t mean that the problem is gone. It is still there. It allows you time to change to suit the problem.

But what if the problem is so multi-faceted that you can’t cope? What if your support structure is crumbling beneath you? What if you just want to run away?

Emotions, Rants

Burn

Why don’t people say what they mean? If you don’t want something, just say no.

I can’t seem to communicate with her anymore. Miscommunication about things seem to be the norm, it doesn’t help that I’m on a short fuse nowadays.

She has gone back to her parents and I am here as alone as I normally feel. Except this time I really am alone.

ML said I have to talk to her about this and as much as I know it, I don’t know what to do.

I am cold, hungry, lonely, frustrated, lost, unmotivated, and just want to disappear.

Time to crash and burn.

Emotions, Rants

Sick

I’m sick of all these communication games.
I’m sick of stupidity.
I’m sick of being the know-it-all.
I’m sick of trying to be a mind reader.
I’m sick of all the games.
I’m sick of pretending to be someone I’m not.
I’m sick of hoping that things will improve.
I’m sick of trying to work things out.
I’m sick of everything.