Category Archives: Emotions
Expectations
Is it wrong to expect your partner to look after you a bit when you are sick?
When they offer to buy you dinner but come home late and empty handed, and that, sick as you are, you have to cook your own instant noodles for dinner.
I think I treat my friends better when they are sick. And that’s while I’m sick too.
Really on the verge of throwing in the towel here. Now I’m just waiting for the drugs to take its effect on me and sleep.
Choices
Was talking with ML about choices. About how I feared having made the wrong choice and having it bite me in the ass.
I have to make the best out of whatever situation I am in. There are logical choices which when one thinks about it is a no-brainer. But perhaps emotions and frustrations cloud a person’s judgement and that’s why people make wrong decisions.
Is the logical choice always the right one? I really don’t know. I suppose given the right circumstance, the “wrong” choice may be the right one in the long term?
Masks
2013 was the worst year that I can recall. If you can’t think of a reason why, then you obviously don’t know me at all. Go away.
Every single aspect of my life went wrong, and I can hardly do anything about it.
The result of which is me going into depression. Thankfully, not as bad as some people that I know, but enough to make me really consider just disappearing.
I know that there will always be problems and issues no matter where you are. Sometimes I just feel that regardless of what I swap for, I would get a better hand.
Over the past few weeks, I have culled down the list of “friends” I have on Facebook. I tell people it’s because I’m sick of the quantifying friendships thing. But I think that maybe I am eliminating people from my life.
I am so sick and tired of putting up a front; of wearing a mask. People call me by things that they think I am and, stupid me, I actually try to live to those expectations. I am sick of being the guy people can rely on. I am sick of filling in the gaps that no one else does. I have lost track of who I am and the person I see in the mirror is not a pretty sight. I am not a rock that’s sturdy. I’m sinking sand right now.
Right now, there’s nothing that I am in full control of in my life. I have no semblance of control at all.
I think I have day dreams of what I would do given a choice of no repercussions. It makes me feel good. Though the sad fact of reality is that we live with repercussions.
ML once said that they wouldn’t be surprised by what difficulties or problems I go through. The problem is that if I reveal some of my dark thoughts, it may not surprise but color their opinions and I may paint myself into a corner where I am really and completely alone.
Barrier
If there’s a problem, I tend to want to do whatever it takes to try and overcome it. She prefers to stick to one way and go through it slowly. I think I could respect that if not for the simple fact that this is a problem that has been ongoing for well over a year and maybe why I feel so disconnected.
It has caused me be lack confidence in myself, in her, in us. It is not a simple problem to overcome, and I am afraid of it.
I am afraid of what it can do and sometimes I really feel like just throwing in the towel and giving up. It is just one reason why I have been feeling crap lately and unfortunately, it is a big one and one of the few that I have the slightest control over. Not much but slight.
And it just breaks me that there seems to be nothing I can do.