{"id":362,"date":"2014-01-17T00:21:52","date_gmt":"2014-01-16T16:21:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/?p=362"},"modified":"2014-01-17T00:22:22","modified_gmt":"2014-01-16T16:22:22","slug":"fear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/?p=362","title":{"rendered":"Fear"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness.<\/p>\n<p>I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want\u00a0in order to be to be happy. It&#8217;s probably because I&#8217;m a dreamer. I dream of all the far out and least likely things that can make me happy. And yet I know why, I treasure other relationships more than the one with my wife and those relationships seem so easy to maintain by comparison. It almost feels like I need to work so much harder in my primary relationship to get it to the same level as my secondary relationships.<\/p>\n<p>In my experience, it seems that I am frequently disappointed with the things that I do and it does seem that because of all the effort that I have to put in, I feel like I will be disappointed with anything short of a miracle.<\/p>\n<p>It probably does get easier as time goes by, but I feel that after so many years, whatever I have done doesn&#8217;t seem to have paid off and perhaps actually made matters worse through my actions and inactions. Somehow, I have the idea of cutting my losses and leaving.<\/p>\n<p>There are many things that would probably make me happy.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A better, more intimate relationship with my wife.<\/li>\n<li>Fulfilling my dream, despite how unlikely and twisted it is.<\/li>\n<li>A fresh start in everything.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The dream one is probably never going to happen and I need to do something to kill that. The fresh start seems to be the easiest to do but is a cowardly way out. Working things out with my wife is the hardest to do, and I am scared that I won&#8217;t be as happy as I want to be, or that I would put in so much effort and yet but disappointed again.<\/p>\n<p>It seems like no matter what I think I end up deadlocking my mind. The lack of mood to want to change the situation doesn&#8217;t help. I know I need to do something but I just feel like not wanting to do it. Like it strains me. Maybe I need to be alone for a week. Maybe I just need to rest. ML is right. I haven&#8217;t been getting enough sleep. That could be affecting my mood too much and making me fear taking any path.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>ML reminded me that only I can take responsibility and action for things. That I need to work for my happiness. I want to be happy. But I get paralysed every time I think about what I want\u00a0in order to be to be happy. It&#8217;s probably because I&#8217;m a dreamer. I dream of all the &hellip; <a href=\"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/?p=362\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Fear<\/span> <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":363,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[38,39],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/01\/WWS-Fear1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=362"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":365,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362\/revisions\/365"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/363"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/elijahtan.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}