Category Archives: General

Emotions, General

Disappear

I feel like crap. I am still recovering from flu and having crazier mood swings. Often, I have no appetite and have been feeling giddy or light-headed. And I just puked air.

At least twice today I had to get out of the office and take deep breaths. Maybe I am getting anxiety attacks, heart palpitations or something. Concerned boss, GT, suggests maybe I should check my blood pressure.

People are talking about Chinese New Year and I am just dreading it. I am hating the idea of spending it with family. I already have a tough time putting on a mask everywhere I go. I can hardly be myself around people. Sometimes I wonder if I am being a bother to ML with all my crap.

I need to get away. It is times like this, that the whole idea of disappearing sounds more and more appealing. I wish I could do that. Just disappear.

Emotions, General, Rants

Masks

2013 was the worst year that I can recall. If you can’t think of a reason why, then you obviously don’t know me at all. Go away.

Every single aspect of my life went wrong, and I can hardly do anything about it.

The result of which is me going into depression. Thankfully, not as bad as some people that I know, but enough to make me really consider just disappearing.

I know that there will always be problems and issues no matter where you are. Sometimes I just feel that regardless of what I swap for, I would get a better hand.

Over the past few weeks, I have culled down the list of “friends” I have on Facebook. I tell people it’s because I’m sick of the quantifying friendships thing. But I think that maybe I am eliminating people from my life.

I am so sick and tired of putting up a front; of wearing a mask. People call me by things that they think I am and, stupid me, I actually try to live to those expectations. I am sick of being the guy people can rely on. I am sick of filling in the gaps that no one else does. I have lost track of who I am and the person I see in the mirror is not a pretty sight. I am not a rock that’s sturdy. I’m sinking sand right now.

Right now, there’s nothing that I am in full control of in my life. I have no semblance of control at all.

I think I have day dreams of what I would do given a choice of no repercussions. It makes me feel good. Though the sad fact of reality is that we live with repercussions.

ML once said that they wouldn’t be surprised by what difficulties or problems I go through. The problem is that if I reveal some of my dark thoughts, it may not surprise but color their opinions and I may paint myself into a corner where I am really and completely alone.

Emotions, General, Rants

Wavelength

So I tried to initiate some couple time today. But she seemed distracted as she usually gets. Just noticing my pores, skin, pimples etc. talk about a mood killer. This happened twice.

Maybe that’s why most couples have their alone time at night.

Frustrated, I just stop. Is it too much for me to expect some quality time? Is it too much for me to always initiate? She said she initiated earlier but I don’t see how, even after she explained.

Tried talking to her about our communication issues but that doesn’t go well, as usual. I was getting frustrated again so I went to take a nap. And woke up to her still pissed at me.

Somehow I feel like we are on two different wavelengths now.